Football vs.... a proper sport

RESPECT

Feeling a bit weary when I came home, I did something I rarely do.  Sat on the sofa and turned on the telly in the hope of finding something interesting.  There might be a decent tennis match on. 

Instead I found myself watching a bit of that world cup thingy that's on for the next few months - sorry, weeks.  On.  And on.  And on.....

It must be several decades since I consciously sat down to watch a football game.  (Was there a world cup in '94, I seem to remember doing the ironing while something was on?).  But this only had about 15 minutes to go, so I thought I'd try to figure out what all the fuss was about.  And came away with new found admiration for those hardy souls who will be sitting watching this stuff for days on end.  How have they mastered the art of coping with that much tedium?

I watched those 15 minutes (and by "watched" I mean "looked up from my tablet screen whenever the commentators seemed to get a bit shoutier") and was mostly struck by just how slow it all was.  At the end the 'experts' (I think one of them might have been Gary Lineker, but as I didn't see a packet of crisps I couldn't be sure) felt a need to go over it all and reassure us what a great game it had been (really?!).  To me it felt like the only excitement was that the underdog had won, something I'm all too used to identifying with.

What I saw were players walking about, occasionally some will break into a trot, maybe even a bit of actual running when the shoutiness levels were up.  They are kicking around an object pretty much as big as their own heads, trying to hit a target that's about the size of a large barn door laid on it's side.  While walking/running on a nice flat grassy surface.  In shoes specially designed for walking and running on flat grassy surfaces.  And nothing much happens except they kick it to each other for a bit, then the other lot do it, and occasionally, at the shouty bits, it gets a bit nearer one of those barn doors, which they then proceed to miss.  Sometimes, if they are feeling particularly energetic, the ball can be end to end in.... what, about 30 seconds?  And that's the exciting bit.  Have I missed anything out?

Trouble is, after several seasons I'm now too used to watching hockey.  Where the players can be moving up to 25mph, the 3 inch diameter puck gets up to around 100mph, and play is end to end in less than 5 seconds, all the time wielding a big stick like it's a part of themselves.  Where the target is only 6 feet by 4 and there's guy in the way with another big stick and a lot of padding.  Where, if the puck is in play, something is happening and nobody is fannying about hitting it back and forward in the middle.  Where, despite the tiny size of the goal, players find creative ways to get that lump of rubber flying into the net.

Oh, and did I mention they do all this on contact points 1/8 of an inch wide, on a surface most of us would struggle to stand up on?

So well done all you footy fans, feeling content with a second rate alternative to a proper team sport, I don't know how you do it....