The ukip election manifesto is a work of genius

I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN

With the general election now less than four weeks away the various elements of the party propaganda machines are chugging towards full bullshit speed.  Not least the Scottish political powerhouse that is ukip, who have launched their manifesto in the presence of the ever popular Farage, a man with his finger on the pump of our.... beer presumably.

Now at first glance this carefully crafted work of legislative fantasy looks to be just as much of a total fuck-up as you'd expect.  But look again.  Underneath all that bluster and regressiveness lurks genius, a cunning plan that Baldrick would give up his deodorant for.  We all know kippers aren't overly keen on immigration.  Or change of any kind come to think of it, but lets stick with the problem in hand.  Who hasn't come across a ranty kipper on social media telling them it's a "fact" that 'Britain is full'.  (Evidence?  Don't be silly....)  But now they've decided if they can't stop immigration then they'll have to reduce the population by other means.  And what better than a form of natural selection, encouraging far more of those premature deaths we used to have in the good old days.  It's brilliant.

So they'll raise the drink/driving limit to ensure that we have a decent rate of road accidents again.  With the added benefit that this 'liberalisation' can encourage Scots back where they belong.  Topping the tables for alcoholism.   There's to be smoking in pubs again, just to make sure our lung cancer rates are up there with the best.  Free parking to encourage more cars into city centres, ensuring that pollution levels are the health hazard they should be.  Every new respiratory disease victim is one more contributor to lessening the impact of immigration (better still, some of the dead might be immigrants, killing two birds with one smog).  Not only that, but all these breathing problems integrate brilliantly with the increase in smoking to reap the greatest possible benefit.  It's all been fully thought through, hasn't it?

At first glance the promise to provide easier access to airguns doesn't really fit the pattern.  I mean, airguns are rarely powerful enough to actually kill people.  But you underestimate just how clever these ukip people are.  A few misguided pellets, a few eyes being put out, more blind people traversing our streets equals better targets for all the drunk drivers.  You couldn't make it up, could you?

Of course no manifesto, well not a ukip one anyway, is complete without a policy so crazy you know someone put it in as a joke to see if anyone ever read it all the way through.  Ukip want to legislate to prevent something called 'political correctness' being taught in schools.  Not a subject I'm familiar with, but curriculums are a mystery to me these days.  Anyway, good luck to them trying to ban something that only exists in the crumbling minds of elderly straight white males who're wedded to the 1950s.

It would be depressing if any of this garbage ever had a chance of coming into effect. Fortunately the chances of ukip being in government in Scotland are about as likely as David Cameron admitting his dad was a crook.  Or David Coburn managing to speak three whole sentences without revealing just how much of a prat he is.  At least they bring a bit of comedy to the scene.