I'll never know

KEEP NOT TAKING THE TABLETS

This post is, sort of, a follow up to the one about mental health on the 24th.  And I wonder if there's anyone else who'll read this and find it striking a chord of any sort?

For most of my adult life there's been a short film clip that crops up in my head from time to time.  Sometimes in a dream, sometimes in response to external triggers (but I'm not even sure which ones).

I'm a teenager, maybe about 14 or 15, living with my parents.  It's about 3 or 4 in the middle of the night, I'm wide awake, and decide to go into the bathroom.  In there I open the medicine cabinet, take out all the bottles of pills I can find and line them up in a row.  I look at them for a few minutes, then decide to put them where I found them and go back to bed.

That's it, that's all that happens.  My own thought processes during the incident aren't available to me, it's as if I'm an outside observer recording the moment.  I get the inference that I was contemplating taking an overdose, and chose not to.  It's not something I find disturbing, for there's now an easy familiarity about the scene, like watching a favourite film for the twentieth time.

What's still mildly frustrating is in resisting the temptation to try and figure out what this actually is, for I know now that the answer will never come.  Is it a genuine memory, or a dream, or simply a story I told to myself?  Did it happen in the real world or only in my head?  Is that weird?